The Day Grammy Went to Jail

A true story as told to Lyndsay
Also published under the title: Betty Lou, Where are you? Runnin' from the Law!

Every other week or so I will get an urge to talk to my Aunt Julie. A bitter divorcee that smokes three packs of capri lights a day and owns no less than 17 cats at any given moment. A strong, loner of a woman who shoots groundhogs with a BeeBee gun from her porch . My Aunt Julie is one of my favorite people.
This is the woman who wedged herself in to a bear trap to wire Kentucky fried chicken to the bottem because she was ( and I quote) " Sick of the fuckin' bears eatin' all the damn cupcakes". I was puzzled at this exclamation, but laughed my ass off when the bear trap locked her inside smeared in chicken grease: A virtual Bear Pinata. Not to worry folks-- Fish and Game arrived and extracted her from the trap... You know you're a redneck when... Anyway, I digress.
I thoroughly enjoy our monthly chats. Just yesterday I called to inquire about the health of all her cats, the state of my cousin, and to make sure she hadn't become completely unhinged. Our conversation starts out light: I hate your grandfather. ( Normal) The Dog ate a "Ponds Microderm Abrasion Facial Wipe" and crapped it out 10 days later still intact ( EWW..Weird) " Oh and your grandmother got arrested." ( Exscuse me?) I immediately flash to an episode of cops where gramma is dealing out of her trailer with no teeth and a housecoat on. And thats when I lose it..and laugh uncontrollably.
Now, my grandmother has some issues, as mentioned in previous blogs. After the accident, which rendered her completely insane/hilarious, she has been quite a handful. Between the rampant boozing ( not joking.. she stashed.a 30 rack of Mikes Hard Lemonade in the "cat tent" to help her "sleep") and the disintegration of her short term memory ( insisting that my husband is my highschool boyfriend)...Awkward) she has become quite a handful.
Apparently, my grandmother had a warrant out for her arrest. Was she emailing people claiming to be from the nigerian embassy?No. Was she caught with an underage football player?No. Was she abusing crystal meth and robo tripping her balls off? No. My grandmother was writting letters.
Yes. Writting letters. Years ago my grandmother decided that driving after her head injury was a good idea. Well it wasn't. She completely wrecked this guys car and was sued for damages. Relegated to pay this man 25$ a month for eternity, she faithfully wrote out a check every month. Or so we thought. In her head injured haze, my grandmother began writting letters to this man and sending him checks for 2$ inserted into different hallmark cards: Happy Barmitzvah! My Condolences! Happy Belated Birthday!...here's 2 dollars. Well Accident guy got pissed that he wasn't getting his money and called the cops. Which brings us to the following phone call submitted into evidence:
Aunt Julie: Hello?Sherriff: Yes. This is the Bartlett Sherriff. I am calling in regards to your mother.AJ: Holy fucking shit!!! Scott - turn down the TV and get me my goddamn cigarrettes. What is going on??Sherrif: Your mother had a warrant out for her arrest for failure to pay restitution. We arrested your mother this morning, but she seems ..ummm..confused. Is there any reason your mother keeps demanding 2 pounds of shrimp? AJ: SCOTT!! Put some clothes on we have to get your grandmother out of jail. Officer we'll be right there.
After posting 500$ bail, because my grandmother is a HUGE flight risk, my aunt takes her home.
As my aunt says in between drags of her cigs:"Don't worry Lyndsay. Pffffff. She doesn't remember.pfffffff. what happened. So.pfffff. no harm no foul right?pfffff." Exactly..Aunt Julie...Exactly.